Who Can Relate?

I'm sitting here, in my beautiful living room, surrounded by my kitty and pup, watching a food show, and salivating.

This is porn to me people! I'm watching this guy make some kind of deep fried goodness. The only thing I can be thankful for right now, is that I do not own a deep fryer! Each time he drops something into the fryer I can't help but think "yeah baby, give it to me".

What do thin people watch? I can't imagine it's food shows, otherwise they'd all be chubby like me!
I watch the biggest loser and want to binge eat, and usually do (most of those people are heavier than me, so it feels like a justification for my snacking!)..

So here I sit, 34, in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of almost 3 years, and weighing in at 265lbs! OMG.. who said that? Me? Am I really that heavy? No, it's just a bit of summer chub, I must be bloated because of the heat.. there's no way I've gained 65 pounds in our 3 years together! ...

We just got back from a fabulous trip over seas to England, and I had to ask him who the woman in the pictures was. That can't be me! What kind of filter did he use to only make me look so big.. I'm now that woman! The one that doesn't want to be photographed, the one that cannot believe she looks so big in pictures. The one that doesn't see it when she looks in the mirror. The one that when she goes to buy new clothes, complains to her partner or friends, that the sizes keep getting smaller.. I'm not getting any bigger... am I?

So now, here I sit, surrounded by my fur babies, and have come to the realization that I need to, I must, lose weight..

(and now they are making Eggs Benedict on TV.. oh that cheesey saucey goodness!)

So what's the plan? Am I going to go online, create a blog, announcing my awesome plan to lose weight.. then not follow through with any of it? I'm sure it's happened before.. I know I've proclaimed my amazing weight loss plan a million times... "Oh I'm going to lose 40 pounds this year", or "I owe this to myself", or "I deserve this", or "nothing tastes better than thin feels" (like fuck that's true.. have these people never eaten an amazing cheese cake? Japanese Curry? Had a terrific glass of Chianti??). Once I was done with that proclamation, I would be "good" for 2, maybe 3 days, and then fall back into my old habits. Which also makes me fall back into hating my physical appearance.

Now don't get me wrong. I know I have a pretty face (just please don't tell me that!), I know I have a sexy attitude. Also most of my friends don't realize how miserable my weight makes me, because I have  a killer personality! I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm outgoing, and I'm a terrific Actress...

I'm not addicted to fast food, I don't eat chips and cookies all day long. I actually eat very well, lots of vegetables, fruit, protein. A LOT of home made goodness, but that's just it.. I eat well, I just eat a lot of it. WHY? Am I not full? Am I worried I won't eat again? Am I just going through the motions? Ding Ding Ding.. I think any one of those is true at any given time.

So here we go, I welcome you to join me on my journey. I have been on this one several times before, but this time I have planned my destination. I want to get down to 170 lbs. I have been there once before, and now looking back at it, I was EFFING Sexy! I was healthy, and I was truly and honestly happy.

I'm not 100% sure what methods I'm going to use, for this very moment I am going to investigate a few. I was VERY Successful on Weight Watchers back in 2009. I lost 50 lbs in 9 months, and I felt great. That was a tough year, as I was soo strict, that I wouldn't go for a coffee with someone for fear of the extra points I'd be spending.
I was successful with Herbal Magic (as everyone is) but I had a hard time when it came to cooking. How can you figure out how many proteins, fats, dairy, carbs, are in a single meal?? Once I stopped eating salads for all my meals I was screwed...
Or do I count calories? Thoughts? Feelings? Snide remarks? Give them to me! I'm willing to listen.

I know I'm going to have to DRAG my butt back to the gym. When I was successful with Weight Watchers, I was a total gym rat. I was also single and had no pets, and all the time in the world to spend on myself. I am going to try to go to the gym 3 times this week, and work it up from there... I can't just jump into a full week of hour work outs... can I?

So friends.. Please feel free to follow my journey, feel free to join me, feel free to comment.
I think we can all use support when it comes to this, and so I'm asking, will you be there for me in the following months?

I'm going to promise to BLOG as often as I can, because by typing this out, I believe I can work through this, and help myself to succeed.

Until next time,
xoxo