Well... I'm Baaaa-aaack!

Okay okay, I know, I said I wasn't going to make this tremendous procalamation about losing 95 pounds and then not commit to it.. 
So turns out, not only am I the president of the chub club, but I am also a liar! Okay maybe not a liar, but I wasn't fully committed (only to food... ahh my cheesey, full fat, full flavoured friend!) to my journey.. not yet anyway...

My previous goal of losing 95 pounds has now been swept away (don't get too excited yet..), as I now need to lose 109 ... yes 109... no, thats not a typo, it's what I need to lose... 109 pounds (think of a member of One Direction.. have you seen them in those skinny jeans? My neck is bigger than their thighs... Oh Harry Styles, why must you make my neck look so big?)..  109 pounds of sexy, funny, chubby me.... Oy Vey! 

So how do I start? I explored my options (at length, I had to be very sure what weight loss option would be best.. while not actually attempting any of them..,), and decided if Weight Watchers worked for me before, then it'll work for me again... (or did I work for it? Hmm... discuss amongst yourselves, and feel free to get back to me...). I also decided to procure the motivation of Roderigo.. he's very good at what he does. He tracks my sleep, my steps, my calories in/out, and my water intake (among some other things..) and he's dark purple! (did I mention he's a Fitbit Flex? I figured if he's hanging around so much, seeing me at my best/worst, he needed a name!). These two outlets, plus the continued support of my boyfriend my best friend J DD, I'd be a rock star.. (in spirit, definitely not in body.. yet..)... right?

Now I ask myself "what do I do next?"   I was a good little WW girl today, and took myself in and got weighed in.. I have a pot with barley on the stove (will add some turkey and veg later for a wickedly awesome soup).. but where do I go from here?
What will happen in 4 hours when my body realizes it's Saturday, and not just Saturday, but Saturday night? The last Saturday of my vacation before I begin work again on Monday!  Will I give into the temptation of the bag of chips that I forgot was on top of the fridge (one simply cannot throw away an unopened bag of ruffles!! Or can they? I guess that will be determined soon enough)?  Will I be content with Turkey Barley soup for dinner, or will I want to order in? It is Saturday night after all! Will I have a couple of drinks because hey, it's the weekend! I deserve it? Or will I simply behave, go to bed at a reasonable hour (let's say 6;15PM so I avoid everything?) and hit the gym at 7am when it opens tomorrow? 

Oh the many questions of life.. and of the weightloss journey. 

I was somewhat comforted this morning when I walked into Weight Watchers (oh who am I kidding? I shimmied in, trying to be undetected.. if I could have I would have army crawled my way to the back.. but if I was able to army crawl I wouldn't still be trying to lose weight!) and saw several friends who were on this journey with me 6 years ago.... forget Charlies Angels, together we are the Fallen Angels.. 
Perhaps together again, we will find success, we will find companionship, and fellowship, support, and sarcasm (we're Fallen Angels, not perfect in the least, and therefore sarcasm is a must!).. and the tools we all need to finally beat this battle we've been fighting for years..  Maybe Fallen Angels isn't the right name.. maybe Weekend Warriors is better... I dunno... sounds like there would be too much armour polishing for my liking... 

 I have no idea how this journey is going to go, I foresee a speed bump, a botched tire job, and perhaps I run over a hobo along the way, but I do believe, deep down, in my little black heart, that I will be successful.. I will triumph.. someone one day will play a solo on a trumpet in my honour (with a flag blowing in the wind, and little children will flock to be in my presence and present me with flowers... too much?).. and this war will be over..

For now, I am content with just surviving the night. Making good choices.. being successful.. that's really all a girl can ask for. 

Until next time (which will be soon! This time I promise with a cherry on top..)
xoxo

Who Can Relate?

I'm sitting here, in my beautiful living room, surrounded by my kitty and pup, watching a food show, and salivating.

This is porn to me people! I'm watching this guy make some kind of deep fried goodness. The only thing I can be thankful for right now, is that I do not own a deep fryer! Each time he drops something into the fryer I can't help but think "yeah baby, give it to me".

What do thin people watch? I can't imagine it's food shows, otherwise they'd all be chubby like me!
I watch the biggest loser and want to binge eat, and usually do (most of those people are heavier than me, so it feels like a justification for my snacking!)..

So here I sit, 34, in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of almost 3 years, and weighing in at 265lbs! OMG.. who said that? Me? Am I really that heavy? No, it's just a bit of summer chub, I must be bloated because of the heat.. there's no way I've gained 65 pounds in our 3 years together! ...

We just got back from a fabulous trip over seas to England, and I had to ask him who the woman in the pictures was. That can't be me! What kind of filter did he use to only make me look so big.. I'm now that woman! The one that doesn't want to be photographed, the one that cannot believe she looks so big in pictures. The one that doesn't see it when she looks in the mirror. The one that when she goes to buy new clothes, complains to her partner or friends, that the sizes keep getting smaller.. I'm not getting any bigger... am I?

So now, here I sit, surrounded by my fur babies, and have come to the realization that I need to, I must, lose weight..

(and now they are making Eggs Benedict on TV.. oh that cheesey saucey goodness!)

So what's the plan? Am I going to go online, create a blog, announcing my awesome plan to lose weight.. then not follow through with any of it? I'm sure it's happened before.. I know I've proclaimed my amazing weight loss plan a million times... "Oh I'm going to lose 40 pounds this year", or "I owe this to myself", or "I deserve this", or "nothing tastes better than thin feels" (like fuck that's true.. have these people never eaten an amazing cheese cake? Japanese Curry? Had a terrific glass of Chianti??). Once I was done with that proclamation, I would be "good" for 2, maybe 3 days, and then fall back into my old habits. Which also makes me fall back into hating my physical appearance.

Now don't get me wrong. I know I have a pretty face (just please don't tell me that!), I know I have a sexy attitude. Also most of my friends don't realize how miserable my weight makes me, because I have  a killer personality! I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm outgoing, and I'm a terrific Actress...

I'm not addicted to fast food, I don't eat chips and cookies all day long. I actually eat very well, lots of vegetables, fruit, protein. A LOT of home made goodness, but that's just it.. I eat well, I just eat a lot of it. WHY? Am I not full? Am I worried I won't eat again? Am I just going through the motions? Ding Ding Ding.. I think any one of those is true at any given time.

So here we go, I welcome you to join me on my journey. I have been on this one several times before, but this time I have planned my destination. I want to get down to 170 lbs. I have been there once before, and now looking back at it, I was EFFING Sexy! I was healthy, and I was truly and honestly happy.

I'm not 100% sure what methods I'm going to use, for this very moment I am going to investigate a few. I was VERY Successful on Weight Watchers back in 2009. I lost 50 lbs in 9 months, and I felt great. That was a tough year, as I was soo strict, that I wouldn't go for a coffee with someone for fear of the extra points I'd be spending.
I was successful with Herbal Magic (as everyone is) but I had a hard time when it came to cooking. How can you figure out how many proteins, fats, dairy, carbs, are in a single meal?? Once I stopped eating salads for all my meals I was screwed...
Or do I count calories? Thoughts? Feelings? Snide remarks? Give them to me! I'm willing to listen.

I know I'm going to have to DRAG my butt back to the gym. When I was successful with Weight Watchers, I was a total gym rat. I was also single and had no pets, and all the time in the world to spend on myself. I am going to try to go to the gym 3 times this week, and work it up from there... I can't just jump into a full week of hour work outs... can I?

So friends.. Please feel free to follow my journey, feel free to join me, feel free to comment.
I think we can all use support when it comes to this, and so I'm asking, will you be there for me in the following months?

I'm going to promise to BLOG as often as I can, because by typing this out, I believe I can work through this, and help myself to succeed.

Until next time,
xoxo